These past weeks…..have just been a miserable rollar coaster of emotions, mostly caused by none other than, emotions.

After the lies, pain, hospital beds, therapy sessions, I’ve just been blasted in the face by so many emotions that last night, I finally had the ideal breakdown.

I hugged my dear best friend as I said goodbye, and just the moment of happiness and relief, that it was just that feeling, to make me keel over. As I cried into her shoulder, I just felt it, the first stages of the break down, the slow welling tears, the tears that wells up in your eyes that just stay there for a few moments.

Then, the shortness of breath, to where it actually sounds like you are sobbing. I felt my self-control slipping further and further away.

As she spoke in calm words “Breathe….Breathe….” She knew there was no stopping. As I attempted to pull myself together, one look at my brother, best friend, companion, one of the few people who mean the most to me, and he is the #1, I looked at his face, and basically ran to him.

His embrace, was like nothing of an embrace I have ever felt before, not even from my own mother. His arms wrapped around me, and he pulled my head to his chest, squeezing so gently on to the back of my head. It was so warm, so comforting, I felt like this was home, I didn’t want to be anywhere else but in his embrace.

Home was then an added comfort, when her small stature and big heart came behind and clung to me as well.

At this point, I was just a horrific mess, but as I became worse, the embrace became warmer and warmer and oh so comforting.

My brother then started to attempt to make me laugh, he wrapped his legs around mine and basically latched on to my broken body. He kindly then kissed the side of my head, in such a warming and Russian gesture, that felt so so much of home.

But the time for embrace had to end, reality needed to settle in.

“I need to just sit alone in my car for a bit” I exclaimed, I ran to my car alone, shut the door, closed the windows, clasped my face and then-

The moment, the moment when you believe that you had let it all out, when you never really did.

My face was clasped to where all I could see was darkness, as the tears rolled down my face and I felt them run slowly down. My sobs roared in the closed space that I had made, and I kept asking myself “Why? Why have I become like this?” But the answer was, there was nothing wrong, I just reached my limit, that’s all. 

I had eventually fallen into the fetal position, and once I managed to calm down, I just did therapeutic breathing for about 5 minutes.

My brother eventually got in my car with me. It was in that moment, in which we bonded like nothing else, but not in the healthiest of ways; smoking.

“You need to take this smoke right now, I don’t care what you do with it, inhale it, whatever, you need this to get your mind off of things.”

That was his words, and he was right. It was a new experience, difficult, but new. It did clear my mind, but made me feel dizzy.

That’s basically it in a nutshell. I love and support my friends in whatever they do, because they would do the same for me. They are my family, and they mean so much to me.

Thank you, Catie, Alex, Emma, Nikita. You are my everything <3